by Steve "The Brick" Brickman
1.
After meeting a Pokémon,
wait two or three days before calling or texting them. You don’t
want them to think you’re desperate.
2. Don’t call your Pokémon names! Calling them things like “stupid” may gain you their respect in the short term, but in the long term, it will still gain you their respect, but it’s a dick move.
3. Amazingly, “fire” type Pokémon do severe damage “water” type Pokémon. Just some crazy Japanese bullshit I guess!
4. Do NOT feed your Pokémon after midnight. They’ll gain weight.
5. At some point, your Pokémon are going to ask who their real parents are, and if they can meet them. This is the perfect opportunity to replace these Pokémon.
6. For tax purposes, you’re going to want to declare your Pokémon both your foster children and a home office. If the IRS audits you, simply hit them with “Thundershock!”
7. Don’t leave your Pokémon alone in the car with the windows rolled up, even for a minute. They will fuck up your radio presets and you’ll be stuck with .
8. It’s better that your Pokémon drink in the basement with their friends than out on the street doing god knows what, so make sure they don’t have any friends.
9. When opening up your bag to find out that your Pokémon have snuck along on your first date with Lisa, resist the urge to shout, “Poké-mama-mia!”
10. Make sure to feed your Pokémon once in a while, if you have a sec.
11. Make sure your Pokémon have proper social media exposure by signing them up for Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, Tumblr, Blomblum, Fleeflu, Zeebax, Grapgrop, Dijejil, Burlxjirjoisos & J-Date.
12. Ask yourself, “Why did I get into Pokémon?” If the answer is anything other than, “For the ladies,” quit immediately.
13. If you’ve run out of things to talk about with your Pokémon, go out and create some new experiences. See a movie, or visit a museum, which should give you plenty to talk about as you send them into violent battle with other captured animals.
14. When one of your Pokémon loses a battle, take them out for ice cream...MURDER ICE CREAM. (It’s an ice cream place in Murder, Illinois. Their motto is “Sorry about our confusing town name!”) Then, murder them.
15. Lastly, if your Pokémon are acting racist and saying things like “why can some people can use the n-word but it’s not OK when WE use it?” just remind them that they CAN use it, because nobody understands Pokémon, because all they can say is their first name. That’s why Nintendo’s motto is, “Pokémon make the best racists.”
2. Don’t call your Pokémon names! Calling them things like “stupid” may gain you their respect in the short term, but in the long term, it will still gain you their respect, but it’s a dick move.
3. Amazingly, “fire” type Pokémon do severe damage “water” type Pokémon. Just some crazy Japanese bullshit I guess!
4. Do NOT feed your Pokémon after midnight. They’ll gain weight.
5. At some point, your Pokémon are going to ask who their real parents are, and if they can meet them. This is the perfect opportunity to replace these Pokémon.
6. For tax purposes, you’re going to want to declare your Pokémon both your foster children and a home office. If the IRS audits you, simply hit them with “Thundershock!”
7. Don’t leave your Pokémon alone in the car with the windows rolled up, even for a minute. They will fuck up your radio presets and you’ll be stuck with .
8. It’s better that your Pokémon drink in the basement with their friends than out on the street doing god knows what, so make sure they don’t have any friends.
9. When opening up your bag to find out that your Pokémon have snuck along on your first date with Lisa, resist the urge to shout, “Poké-mama-mia!”
10. Make sure to feed your Pokémon once in a while, if you have a sec.
11. Make sure your Pokémon have proper social media exposure by signing them up for Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, Tumblr, Blomblum, Fleeflu, Zeebax, Grapgrop, Dijejil, Burlxjirjoisos & J-Date.
12. Ask yourself, “Why did I get into Pokémon?” If the answer is anything other than, “For the ladies,” quit immediately.
13. If you’ve run out of things to talk about with your Pokémon, go out and create some new experiences. See a movie, or visit a museum, which should give you plenty to talk about as you send them into violent battle with other captured animals.
14. When one of your Pokémon loses a battle, take them out for ice cream...MURDER ICE CREAM. (It’s an ice cream place in Murder, Illinois. Their motto is “Sorry about our confusing town name!”) Then, murder them.
15. Lastly, if your Pokémon are acting racist and saying things like “why can some people can use the n-word but it’s not OK when WE use it?” just remind them that they CAN use it, because nobody understands Pokémon, because all they can say is their first name. That’s why Nintendo’s motto is, “Pokémon make the best racists.”
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